At 29 years old I have finally  waved the white flag and lumbered myself with one of those girlfriend type things. If that wasn’t bad enough that without the merest mention of the “L” word, sadly not lager, I have found myself playing out paternal situations in my obviously all over the place head. Like most football kicking, converse wearing, curry eating in the pub type of blokes the child in question is a male, naturally starting life at 5 years old and impeccably behaved. The idea of having a girl does not even exist in most men’s minds and the first few years of life are conveniently packaged off to the same part of our upper brains as the wonky shelf issue in the spare room.  So there I am drifting off with possibly not the most current copy of Nuts magazine and I have an imaginary son to think about. 

I have christened him Stan, Christened purely as an excuse for presents and a good booze up, and it is now my job to mould mini-me into what I want. Most Dads are failed sportsmen of some description and this blessing gives me the ideal chance to fulfil those dreams I had through him. Stan will have the life I was cruelly denied by those that know nothing. He has obviously inherited all the necessary natural sporting requirements from his father not to mention his good looks.

Which sport should I drill into him until he is sick of the sight of it but by then is too late for him to give up? Historically from a footballing family that would be the obvious route but of late I am more and more pro a successful career in golf for young Stan. Like Lewis Hamilton’s father before me I would then get to travel the world surrounded by a bevvie of beauties. I’d take the heat off my lad by doing all the TV interviews and be a presence at the parties as he rests before the next big tournament. I wont even let my divorce stand in my way. I can only really see one downside to golf, it is an individual sport and I am a little concerned that he may become a selfish pig with no care for others but with me in his corner can anybody see that happening?? I cant!!